Next month will not only mark Leo's 2-year milestone but also my one full year out of the workforce. You know all those articles you see about the unspoken pains, debunking myths, pros/cons of being a SAHM?
Well, this isn't gonna be one of those stories.
Throughout this 12-month journey on coming to terms with this new found status, I have gained new experiences and even an entirely new perspective (plus a million new patience neuron probably if that even exists).
I grew up in a household with a career focused mother who had worked through her 2 pregnancies, never once taking a break. Then followed my sister who very much like her, hustled her way when she carried both her boys and that pretty much solidify my life trajectory to follow suit. On the materialistic side of things, I also saw first hand the kind of comfort financial freedom could bring to the table and there was no way I thought I'd veer even the slightest bit off this course.
And then I had Leo.
He came into our lives at a point where both my husband and I were gaining traction in our career and that meant having to put more hours and effort into our job. Leo was our sole responsibility due to a multitude of reasons and the strain of having to juggle work, household and and a toddler at that age without additional help became apparent.
Raising Leo ultimately came down not to a gender-defined parameter between a mother and a father, but on more pragmatic reason, who brought in the bigger dough?
With that, most of the responsibility fell on me and the mounting frustration started seeping into our marriage. We finally decided to sit down and weigh in our options.
Becoming a SAHM from a FTWM isn't something that happens overnight and on a whim as one might think. It is usually part of an even bigger picture (support system, family dynamics, parenting styles, personality, logistics, career, etc) which is too much to share in its entirety so for convenience sake it's always a standard PR answer we give, "oh to spend more time with kids".
At that time, none of my peers I knew were SAH and I quickly saw how immediate disapproving, sometimes even misguided comments came in. The first few "adjustment" months were hellish as I kept questioning my decision. I poured over internet forums and support groups to find solace and came to realise that the status of being a SAHM at this age is some what an embarrassment badge we try to hide under our lapels. We fear criticism on not contributing, we always have to deflect comments on "having a good life", "doing nothing", "wasting youth", on top of questioning our worth in a society that defines worth as monetary contribution and job status.
On identity
One of the most common things I've read is how SAHM will ultimately lose their identity being removed from the workforce for prolonged period. The more I read the more I was convinced this was me until I met a group of SAHM with different personalities who frequently meet with their toddlers for simple outdoor activities. They were happy, they talked about their own lives outside of being a mother and you could clearly see their own personal interest.
It struck me that identity is the core of your being, stripped off of everything material. If you identify yourself entirely base on your career and its achievements, then inevitably you will feel meaningless without it.
On going nuts being with your tot 24/7 (brevity will only shortchange its true meaning lol)
You will. Yes you will.
Leo's continued childcare enrollment was the top consideration when I decided to quit my job. He will only be entitled to only half the subsidies which will only do little to alleviate his private fees which were hovering in the mid 1ks. We contemplated taking him out and home schooling him till he is much older but then came to a rationale that not everything can be provided to him from home.
We want Leo to learn and navigate through the concept of "losing" and "failing" himself in a natural social setting removed from his comfort zone. To us we can instill "success" and "winning" but as important as that, is him accepting that the polar opposite is just as okay and natural.
While the quantity of time I have with Leo is the same as when I was a FTWM, I have to say the quality has improved. No longer do I throw him in front of the TV out of exhaustion as I now have the mental capacity to interact with him closely to uncover his character on a deeper level.
So yes, the last I checked I still have my sanity intact as he is currently in school, not out of luxury but out of what we deem as necessity towards his formative years. We are currently still in line on a long waiting list for a subsidized school so fingers cross!
On relevancy aka not to be huang lian po
One thing that is undeniable is the massive drop in adult interaction. I am fortunate enough to find a group of like minded (and most importantly, budget conscious!!) mothers who are active. Interaction always helps to sharpen the mind and you don't only get it through a job. It also helps to keep abreast on current job openings and industry changes which is so readily available through the Internet.
Huang lian po is simply just a state of mind if you choose to let yourself go and not put in the effort to read up.
Throughout these months I have opened up a new level of patience, given myself countless time-outs instead of fire shooting harsh words, and learnt not to react to criticism as much. If anything, I didn't feel as weak as I did months back, I feel a lot more resilient.
That being all said, I am blessed to be given this option regardless. It is again by no means a luxury and we learn to sacrifice the finer things to accommodate to such changes. There are families who continue to hustle under harsher conditions and/or even mothers who enjoy being involved in their jobs; that's perfectly great! This is not a comparison on what is "better" (there is no better!!), it's all about understanding the bigger picture on what makes a family YOUR family, base on individual dynamics and situation.
Now the golden question I'm frequently asked, will I be returning to work?
Well, your guess is as good as mine 😉💰
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